Dali Lama Google+ post sums up my parenting/relationship philosophy

Dalai Lama - 5:31 AM - Public
"When we are angry we are blind to reality. Anger may bring us a temporary burst of energy, but that energy is blind and it blocks the part of our brain that distinguishes right from wrong. To deal with our problems, we need to be practical and realistic. If we are to be realistic, we need to use our human intelligence properly, which means we need a calm mind."

While I taught young children for a decade I learned that an even voice, short & clear commands (never ask when disciplining), and always following through on ultimatums worked way better than yelling at them. I realized that I did not have to get stressed out or angry at anything, especially when you acknowledge that the kids are doing exactly what a typical 3 year old knows how to do. It's nothing personal, it's developmental. My job was to teach them direct and indirect action/consequence relationships, self-control, conflict resolution, and life skills. A calm mind let me figure out how to teach these things to 15 kids, each one unique and therefore needing various and changing approaches at a multitude of levels (all at the same time!). Very young children are not an altruistic beings. A conscience is developed over time. Altruism is learned (or not) through lots of repetition and can create, over years of guidance, a decent human being. I treasure creativity, personality, and joy. When there is harmony these things can flourish. Now add instruction on reading, writing, science, and citizenship while doing all of the above and you see my path was either to a very calm, analytical mind or insanity!

Now that I have custody over only one child, it is much easier! My goal is still the same though, to keep harmony in the home. To quote the Dali Lama, "To deal with our problems, we need to be practical and realistic. If we are to be realistic, we need to use our human intelligence properly, which means we need a calm mind." There is room for disagreement, never yelling. To be decent to each other and respectful keeps the peace and fosters happiness. This is not always easy. When conflict arises, as it eventually does, with more emotionally-based and emotionally-reacting (adult) personalities it is actually very hard. It took me almost a quarter of a decade to internalize these ideas into behavior with adjustments ongoing. I love that the Dali Lama can communicate such complex mechanisms and truths so simply and poetically, over my morning coffee.